So I’ve been thinking a lot recently about the men I’ve had in and out of my life, and I’ve got, to be honest that a lot of them have been really shitty. There have been three men in the past three years that Have almost completely destroyed my will to live. One of them, my band director who choked me. The next my creepy boss who at my job whom I got fired. The last though has really fucked me up.
So I was seeing this person casually during January up until the end of march. It wasn’t super serious just casual hookups. The truth is I was pretty interested in him, and at the time, boy #2 and I were on the outs. He was six years older than me and I thought it was so cool that he was interested in me. Anyway, we ended up hooking up every week for a while and although he was kinda weird and a little creepy at some points I thought it was just nervousness and i brushed it off. The sex was really good, but unfortunatly I knew this fling with him wasnt going to last long, because he told me he didn’t want a relationship and wasn’t really going anywhere in life.
He didn’t have a job, couldnt drive, no money, no drive, nothing. I drove thirty minutes to see him each time we hung out. Eventually he started asking if i could pick up food for us and stuff like that and since I really liked him, I did. Eventually, we called things off because I ended up sleeping with boy #2 (that time when neither of us felt good about it). This guy was pissed and we ended up not talking for a month and I just figured it was over.
So then a month later, I texted him out of the blue to see how things were going and he told me he was really depressed and things werent going well and asked if id come down to see him so we could catch up. I got a bad feeling in my gut that he wasnt being honest but when someone says they’re depressed you go and help. So i drove down and when I got there it was super awkward. He was being crude and not talking too much to me and when I asked what was wrong he said “same old same old”.
I was pissed that I’d driven all this way to get a shitty answer. We stopped talking for a while and we just sat on his couch and watched tv. Then he manuvered so that we were laying down together and he attempted to cuddle me. We stayed like this for a while and I got more uncomfortable by the minute, I knew it was a bad idea. He then leaned over and tried to kiss me and i dodged so he hit my forehead instead and he chuckled kinda creepily and asked me if he could kiss me and I shook my head and said not right now.
So then time passed and I’m freaking out like how the hell do I get out of this situation, and he started getting touchy with me. He touched my thigh a lot and started grabbing at my breasts and my heart started racing and I couldn’t move and I honest to god was scared that he was going to try to violate me. He took my face in his hands and starts bringing it up to him and I immediatly put my hands over my face to sheild it and yelled STOP I DON’T WANT TO KISS YOU.
He Immediatly stopped, and looked hurt, and got off of me, and I sat up and sat on the couch for like 20 minutes trying to gain composure and we made small talk while I tried not to burst into tears, so then I made up some bullshit excuse that I had a job interview and got out of there, and cried the whole way home, as I called my best friend to tell her everything.
I sent him a text later on to tell him that I was pissed that he made me think something was wrong and wasn’t clear with his intentions. He told me that I should’ve been clear with my intentions when I slept with my ex and that this whole situation could’ve been avoided but it was my fault. Everything is always my fault, none of it was his or so he said. He manipulated me, made me feel endangered and weak, and has further made me weary of men. Men scare me, and it kills me to think the only men I feel like I can trust are my father, my grandfather, boy #2, and my three male friends.
I cannot hold eye contact with men I don’t know, or feel safe around them. I am scared to be a woman and scared to look to way I do. I have been made a fool, made to feel weak and it is so hard to feel empowered living in a society where everything is my fault.