creepy people

I got a message today that freaked me out and I always wonder how people get my number but like (????) how do they do it. I don’t even know. I always think people are out to get me and maybe I’m right. Keep yourselves safe. I love you all please be careful.

Bitter

I’m bitter. I’m extremely bitter. Boy #2 and I are slowing things down because there’s someone else in the picture for him and so he chose her. Which is okay, I want him to be happy. She doesn’t live around here so we’re still kinda doing “stuff”.  Tonight he told me that he has literally all the same kinks I do WHICH MAKES ME SO ANGRY BECAUSE I NEVER PUT THE PIECES TOGETHER. 

For those of you that don’t know, I’m big into bdsm and ddlg (daddy dom little girl), and have been for almost three years. Living in a conservative area I always found it difficult to find people with the samekinks and turns out he was right in front of me all along, and because we’re slowing down we don’t have sex anymore, which means I can’t even fufill doing any of said kinks with him and I was so angry because of my missed opportunities. Also the fact that instead of fucking around with older men and people I don’t know on the internet, I COULDVE JUST BEEN DOING SAID THINGS WITH THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. 

Rant over I’m sorry.  

Dear Mom,

Dear Mom, I should’ve listened to you. I shouldn’t have gone to meet a boy from the Internet, like you told me not to.

Dear mom, I thought I knew better than you, but I was wrong.

Dear mom, you’re always cautious about who I see and who I’m with and you had a good reason to be.

Dear mom, I thought he was great, I thought I could trust him, please don’t blame me for this. I was stupid and wreckless and it could’ve been so much worse.

Dear mom, I didn’t mean to get assaulted, it wasn’t my fault and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to tell you the complete truth of where I was all those times I told you I was studying or out with friends. 

Dear mom, it was terrifying, and all I could think about was how you were right.

Dear mom, All I wanted after it happened was to come home to you. I wanted to be held, but you were in a bad mood that day and I wanted to take care of you.

Dear mom, I’ve done a lot of bad things, all of which you’ve told me not to do. 

Dear mom, I wanted to die after that. I still want to die every time I’m reminded. 

Dear mom, I wish I could tell you everything, but this letter to you will have to do, because you won’t ever see it. And you’ll never have to know, the pain I’ve felt. 

Dear mom, I just want to protect you from me and my life choices. 

Dear mom, I didn’t want to disappoint you. I’m sorry. 

For those wondering this isn’t a suicide note, just early morning thoughts. 

Hi, I’m Depressed. (A Slam Poem by yours truly.)

Hi, I’m Depressed, and no, I’m not attention seeking.

Hi, I’m depressed, and yes, sometimes it’s hard to get up in the morning. Yes, it’s impossible sometimes to do anything but sleep. Yes, it’s easy to feel nothing at all.

Hi, I’m depressed, and sometimes I’m numb, Numb to pain, numb to happiness, numb to feeling.

Hi, I’m depressed, and I know I worry my family. I know its hard to be my parent’s daughter, and my sister’s sister.

Hi, I’m depressed, and even though I’ve self-harmed, doesn’t mean everyone with depression does.

Hi, I’m depressed, and yes I’ve tried medication. Yes, I’ve tried therapy. Yes, I’ve been suicidal.

Hi, I’m Depressed, and the scariest times to be this way are between midnight and 6am.

Hi., I’m depressed, and this can get in the way of romantic relationships.

Hi, I’m Depressed, and on bad days I scream and cry and try to tear my hair out and wonder why, in agony, my brain works this way.

Hi, I’m depressed, but I have found peace in my irregular trips to my therapist. My meditations, coloring, journaling, and coping skills.

Hi, I’m depressed, and even though sometimes I push people away, the important ones find their way back into my life.

Hi, I’m depressed, but that doesn’t make me weak. I am stronger than you can ever imagine.

Hi, I’m depressed and through every challenge, I am resilient, self-aware, and triumphant.

Hi, I’m depressed, and I know that my depression will not ever leave completely.

Hi, I’m Faith. And my depression does not define me.

 

Privilege

I’ve always been a semi-privileged person. I have a loving family, a roof over my head, plenty of wonderful belongings, a place to lay my head at night, and supportive friends. When I came out as bisexual at the end of my sophomore year of high school, almost no negativity was shown from my close friends and family that I initially came out to. There was no hardship for me. My parents were liberal and supportive, my friends were excited to see this new side of me, and I was happy to be able to not have this secret anymore.

Recently, my best friend’s dad found out I was bisexual and told her she couldn’t hang out with me any longer. When she told me, I felt my heart drop into my stomach and the weight of the world seemed to crash down on my perfect bisexual universe. As my good friend, who is gay, once told me, “The first one will always hurt the most.” And it does. My best friend said she’d try hard to get around it, but this evening, her dad denied her when she asked if she could see a concert with me tomorrow night. (we’ve had tickets for months).

What I’ve come to realize is that she might not ever be able to get around it. I feel that one day it’ll come down to her dad or me and I won’t let her walk out on her family. I know she’ll choose him, which is okay, and I’ve accepted that.

It hurts me so much because its a pain I’ve never felt. I don’t know what its like to not be liked for something as trivial as sexual orientation. It saddens me that it is 2017 and I’m not allowed to see someone because of my preferences. I don’t like her in that way. It is not like I am trying to turn her gay, not that that’s even how it works. I know at this point I’m rambling. I’m just upset.

Close Call.

So I’ve been thinking a lot recently about the men I’ve had in and out of my life, and I’ve got, to be honest that a lot of them have been really shitty. There have been three men in the past three years that Have almost completely destroyed my will to live. One of them, my band director who choked me. The next my creepy boss who at my job whom I got fired. The last though has really fucked me up.

So I was seeing this person casually during January up until the end of march. It wasn’t super serious just casual hookups. The truth is I was pretty interested in him, and at the time, boy #2 and I were on the outs. He was six years older than me and I thought it was so cool that he was interested in me. Anyway, we ended up hooking up every week for a while and although he was kinda weird and a little creepy at some points I thought it was just nervousness and i brushed it off. The sex was really good, but unfortunatly I knew this fling with him wasnt going to last long, because he told me he didn’t want a relationship and wasn’t really going anywhere in life.

He didn’t have a job, couldnt drive, no money, no drive, nothing. I drove thirty minutes to see him each time we hung out. Eventually he started asking if i could pick up food for us and stuff like that and since I really liked him, I did. Eventually, we called things off because I ended up sleeping with boy #2 (that time when neither of us felt good about it). This guy was pissed and we ended up not talking for a month and I just figured it was over.

So then a month later, I texted him out of the blue to see how things were going and he told me he was really depressed and things werent going well and asked if id come down to see him so we could catch up. I got a bad feeling in my gut that he wasnt being honest but when someone says they’re depressed you go and help. So i drove down and when I got there it was super awkward. He was being crude and not talking too much to me and when I asked what was wrong he said “same old same old”.

I was pissed that I’d driven all this way to get a shitty answer. We stopped talking for a while and we just sat on his couch and watched tv. Then he manuvered so that we were laying down together and he attempted to cuddle me. We stayed like this for a while and I got more uncomfortable by the minute, I knew it was a bad idea. He then leaned over and tried to kiss me and i dodged so he hit my forehead instead and he chuckled kinda creepily and asked me if he could kiss me and I shook my head and said not right now.

So then time passed and I’m freaking out like how the hell do I get out of this situation, and he started getting touchy with me. He touched my thigh a lot and started grabbing at my breasts and my heart started racing and I couldn’t move and I honest to god was scared that he was going to try to violate me. He took my face in his hands and starts bringing it up to him and I immediatly put my hands over my face to sheild it and yelled STOP I DON’T WANT TO KISS YOU.

He Immediatly stopped, and looked hurt, and got off of me, and I sat up and sat on the couch for like 20 minutes trying to gain composure and we made small talk while I tried not to burst into tears, so then I made up some bullshit excuse that I had a job interview and got out of there, and cried the whole way home, as I called my best friend to tell her everything.

I sent him a text later on to tell him that I was pissed that he made me think something was wrong and wasn’t clear with his intentions. He told me that I should’ve been clear with my intentions when I slept with my ex and that this whole situation could’ve been avoided but it was my fault. Everything is always my fault, none of it was his or so he said. He manipulated me, made me feel endangered and weak, and has further made me weary of men. Men scare me, and it kills me to think the only men I feel like I can trust are my father, my grandfather, boy #2, and my three male friends.

I cannot hold eye contact with men I don’t know, or feel safe around them. I am scared to be a woman and scared to look to way I do. I have been made a fool, made to feel weak and it is so hard to feel empowered living in a society where everything is my fault.