Hihi

I just wanted to say I love boy #2 more than anything else in this whole wide world. Today we snuggled and fucked and snuggled some more. When he touches me I get goosebumps and butterflies and when we fuck I can’t stop giggling because he looks so serious and then he starts laughing and basically we can’t stop laughing at each other so we have to time out and stop to catch our breath. I love him lmao 

Agony. A poem

Tonight I sit Alone

On my bathroom 

Floor

Two showers

And 

A bath

Can’t wash away

My 

Agony

I want to scratch

Out

My 

Eyes

I want to tear

Out 

My 

Hair

I want to smash

My 

Head against 

A wall

For my dreadful

Despair

I feel so

Dirty

Used

Degraded

All alone with

No 

One to help

I reach for 

My 

Only saving

Grace

And find

My 

Search for

The end.

Update.

So, It’s been a while since I’ve been on and I thought I’d give you all an update.

Boy #2 and I literally cannot stay away from each other. After we “broke up” again we had 1 and a half unbearable weeks of not seeing each other and then he texted me and I jumped at the opportunity to see him again, which would’ve been fine had he not still been talking to someone. We ended up sleeping together and both feeling not good about it and so he called things off with the girl he was talking to.

A week and a half later -Monday to be exact- we hung out again. We went to the same park we always do, did romantic and cute shit, and then had awesome sex in the back of my car. The difference with this time was, we didn’t use protection, as in condoms, but I’m on birth control and I’m pretty religious about taking it. But of course the next day, I over thought things and bought Plan B, which might’ve been a waste of fifty dollars, since there was no action inside me at the end. You know, this might be too much information for the internet but at this point who the fuck cares. You’re reading it and now you’re in too deep, you have to finish the post.

Last night I get a text asking if I could come over to his new house that he and two friends are sharing, so today, I got up, showered, bought condoms, and went to his house. He was the only one home, and we snuggled in his bed for hours, talking, listening to music, and giving each other little kisses. I’m really noticing a change in his behavior. We still have sex when we hang out but now we’re having “dates” before hand and he seems to genuinely want to be around me more, without expecting to do anything. Today I initiated sex, which was a bit of a first for me. We had sex, and then cuddled for an hour and a half afterward and watched stupid vine compilations. Then he ordered a pizza and we ate pizza and watched star wars before I had to go to work. It was really nice.

I have more to update on, I’m just way too lazy and procrastinating on my term papers.

A different kind of relapse.

In my last post, I described how I had broken up with boy #2 because I was moving on. The truth is it was mutual and we both decided it was time to move on. Moving on is a lot harder than I expected it to be. It seems almost impossible, which I can’t stand. I hate the thought of him seeing, holding hands with, kissing, or sleeping with anyone else. It makes me feel physically ill. Don’t worry this dramatic event will lead up to the climax of the post.

The boy I was interested in, made it clear over the weekend that he wanted to be friends, or more so friends with benefits. He is attracted to me and enjoys my company but he wasn’t ready to pursue a relationship and to be fair, neither am I.

So with boy #2 out of the picture and having “new boy” reject me, my emotions were running on high. As the icing on the cake, my household has been very tense. My mom decided that she didn’t like my sister’s boyfriend after he made a mistake. My mom is a very ” you make one mistake and you’re out” kind of person. She’s not big on forgiveness, which is why my sister’s relationship is now doomed because my mom is going to remind my sister every chance she gets that she disapproves of this relationship.

My sister is older than me, she’ll be 22 this year. The boy she’s dating is only a year younger in both school and age. I love my sister and I know this is incredibly hard for her. Although I’ve been in her situation many times, this is the first time she’s been told by mom that her relationship needs to end. My mom wants her to choose between her and the boyfriend but I know she’ll choose her guy. She loves him. I know my mom will make her life hell if she tries to drive two hours on the weekend to her college to see him. (my sister moved back home bc she’s graduating).

Because of all this and my increasing depression and general unhappiness with life, I relapsed. I tried everything to stop it, I used almost every coping skill I knew of. I drew, colored, wrote down my thoughts, took a bath, watched a show, and I even attempted to meditate. Unfortunately, the thoughts and the pressure was just too loud. So I cut on my torso, inner thighs, and upper thighs.

Relapsing this time was different. It hurt to cut. Most of the time I felt so numb I could barely feel it no matter how deep I cut. I ended up not cutting deep at all because it hurt so much. The pressure was so small that I know for a fact these won’t scar because they look like paper cuts. I also dressed them right after I did it. I doused them in hydrogen peroxide and Neosporin, because the last time I didn’t, my cuts scarred horribly. Normally after I relapse, I immediately feel better, and I don’t feel guilty until the morning, but this time I felt incredibly guilty right away, and I started to cry. It wasn’t really crying, more like full on sobbing. Heaving, big, heavy, breathtaking sobs. I’m honestly surprised no one heard me.

This was the first time I’d cried since the day I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital last September. It felt nice. I wish I cried more often, but I can never bring myself to do it. When I was little and younger, I’d cry when I got in trouble, and my mom always told me to suck it up, which I took too seriously because now I hardly ever cry. I just shut down instead and make my mind go blank.

After I cried, I felt a little better and decided to go to bed, but I didn’t sleep. I just stayed up with my thoughts. I cried some more, and I criticised why I hadn’t brought my dog into sleep with me because I needed his consistency. I didn’t want to go get him, though, it was too much work. Anyway, I’ve been in this neutral state of mind every since. Not good, Not bad, just neutral.